Last night I spent 3 hours working on my books, cleaning up my P&L reports, organizing invoices and accounts receivable, reconciling deposits and just doing some general accounting tasks.
In the past 11 weeks, I have presented large decks about social media analysis and strategy to new clients; I have crafted several scopes of work for prospective clients and pitched that scope on point. I have answered hundreds of emails, sent even more, scheduled tons of conference calls, and met several colleagues for coffee. I still label every email that arrives in my inbox. I recorded a new office voicemail greeting. I hired a firm to redesign the Gossip Genie site. I have moderated Twitter chats for clients, posted updates on social channels, implemented Facebook ad strategies and pulled data for monthly reports. I have run payroll a few times, given direction to coworkers, delegated work and assigned tasks. I have issued many invoices, deposited checks, organized receipts and paid vendors. The one thing I haven’t done is write a blog post since my loss. I feel as though I cannot just go back to writing about the intricacies of social media, business management, etc without addressing what happened to me.
Disclaimer – I have gone back and forth for a while now about whether or not to post this on my business blog. I have decided to post it because this is where I am in my life and this is how social media has helped me survive.
Eleven weeks ago, I lost my son; I will never be the same. I haven’t been able to write a blog post since then because everything seems so trivial. Aside from people that have experienced stillbirth, you will not understand how deeply this hurts and I have to forgive you for that. My heart is broken and I am not much better than I was the day I found out, but I am going to fake it until I make it. My husband and I lost a baby, an infant, a toddler, an adolescent, a teenager, a man and so much more. From the moment I found out I was pregnant, I was in love with my child and my upcoming role as a mother. It consumed all my thoughts and affected all of my decisions. The first time I saw my baby’s heartbeat on the ultrasound, I cried tears of joy because it seemed surreal. We found out we were having a boy at 13 weeks, at 16 weeks I had a 3D ultrasound and at night I would fall asleep staring at the pictures of my developing son, his features were so developed and I just couldn’t wait to kiss those beautiful features. At 18 weeks, I felt my first real kick, I felt flutters previously but this was different. It was by far the best feeling I have ever felt and I cherished each movement I felt. His kicks were magical. At 23 weeks, I had a beautiful baby shower and that day will be forever remembered as such a special celebration of my son. At 24 weeks, my baby died and my world fell apart.
Five weeks ago, I posted a picture on Instagram and hashtagged #Stillbirth. I received several comments from fellow mothers that have recently lost babies. One of which has become an incredible support to me. For 5 weeks, I have been emailing every single day with this woman that lost her son at 26 weeks, 9 weeks ago. I am so grateful for her. We are literally going through the exact same thing, as this was her first child as well. We are living the same hell, the same disappointment, and the same anxiety.
The aftermath of losing a baby is not something I would wish on anyone. The silence hurts the most and every counselor and therapist told me to expect this and forgive people for not knowing how to react or thinking that because 11 weeks has passed, I should be better.
Each day I wake up and I have a hard time believing that the world is still turning because mine stopped when my baby’s heart stopped. People keep telling me that I am so strong but what choice do I have?
All the tasks I complete are done while grieving because life goes on with or without you. You have all heard me say that Gossip Genie is my first baby and I am grateful that I have work to immerse myself in because distraction is my savior.
Believe it or not, those 3 hours of accounting last night were peaceful.