If you know me and know my journey to having a baby, you know that baby announcements on Facebook are still a bit painful for me. However, I have come to the conclusion that too many people have suffered some heartache along the way to creating their families. This past year has been filled with the realization that miscarriage, stillbirth and infertility is all too common yet still too taboo to acknowledge. For most women, the number of pregnancies is greater than the number of living children but you would never know just by looking at a family.
I was just skimming my Facebook newsfeed and saw that Mark Zuckerberg and his wife are expecting a baby. I felt a twinge of jealousy, assuming that this successful young couple was probably easily blessed with a child on their first try but as I read on, that was not the case at all. Out of all of Zuckerberg’s accomplishments and fame, I admire most that he was honest about their 3 miscarriages and years of trying to conceive. I felt so guilty for the momentary jealousy that I experienced and so grateful for his honesty.
“Priscilla and I have some exciting news: we’re expecting a baby girl!
This will be a new chapter in our lives. We’ve already been so fortunate for the opportunity to touch people’s lives around the world — Cilla as a doctor and educator, and me through this community and philanthropy. Now we’ll focus on making the world a better place for our child and the next generation.
We want to share one experience to start. We’ve been trying to have a child for a couple of years and have had three miscarriages along the way.
You feel so hopeful when you learn you’re going to have a child. You start imagining who they’ll become and dreaming of hopes for their future. You start making plans, and then they’re gone. It’s a lonely experience. Most people don’t discuss miscarriages because you worry your problems will distance you or reflect upon you — as if you’re defective or did something to cause this. So you struggle on your own.
In today’s open and connected world, discussing these issues doesn’t distance us; it brings us together. It creates understanding and tolerance, and it gives us hope.
When we started talking to our friends, we realized how frequently this happened — that many people we knew had similar issues and that nearly all had healthy children after all.
We hope that sharing our experience will give more people the same hope we felt and will help more people feel comfortable sharing their stories as well.
Our good news is that our pregnancy is now far enough along that the risk of loss is very low and we are very hopeful.
Cilla and our child are both healthy, I’m extremely excited to meet her and our dog Beast has no idea what’s coming. In our ultrasound, she even gave me a thumbs up “like” with her hand, so I’m already convinced she takes after me.
We’re looking forward to welcoming her into the world and sharing more soon when she’s ready to come out and meet everyone!
— with Priscilla Chan.”
Facebook is not a place for publishing tragedy, heartache or failure but I don’t consider miscarriage, infertility or stillbirth to be any of those things. They are just obstacles on the pathway to parenthood and some of us deal with more than others. Even though I lost my son just over a year ago, I am so grateful for his presence in my life because he made me a better person, I no longer sweat the small stuff and he taught me just how valuable life is and never to take anything for granted. I would obviously rather have him here than anything else but that’s not an option, so I am embracing the invaluable gifts his presence graced me with.
I wish the best to Mark Zuckerberg and his wife and all of the millions of couples dealing with loss or infertility and those currently expecting. I wish all Facebook pregnancy/baby announcements were in the same vein as Zuckerberg’s.
